The Edward Woodward Drinking Game

Another disappointing season is coming to a close and unfortunately for Manchester United fans, the misery doesn’t end here. Indeed, the most testing, harrowing, and torturous of periods is upon us, an Ed Woodward transfer window.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

As if trying to mirror the colossal quantities of clowning bullshit seen on the pitch, watching Ed Woodward operate a football club during the transfer window is something akin to watching Mario Balotelli putting on a bib.

As any tried and tested English football fan knows, the only way to deal with such issues is drink. So, to help you get through this tough time, we’ve devised a drinking game.

One drink every time Ed:

  • Refers to the transfer budget as a “war chest”

  • Has to pay three times the value of a player after bragging about said war chest

  • Leaks to his favourite journalists that he’s going to sign Neymar

  • Is the prime suspect in the case of a shattered fax machine suspiciously found at the bottom of a four story balcony outside Carrington

  • Mysteriously flies back and forth during the pre-season tour

  • Gets led on by an unrealistic target who’s clearly angling for a new contract

  • Signs an aggressively mediocre player on deadline day after chasing aforementioned unrealistic target for two months

Two drinks every time Ed:

  • Announces a new official club sponsor for something truly bizarre (tractors, rock climbing shoes, hair regrowth cream, etc.)

  • Tries and fails to sign Ronaldo

  • Tries and fails to sign Bale

  • Tries and fails to sign the entirety of Real Madrid C.F.

  • Tells fans to “watch this space”

  • Tells family and friends that the Lionel Messi deal is “close” and that he just needs to “iron out the creases”

  • Bids for Mats Hummels, realizes Bayern have already signed him, and then enquires about Thomas Muller

  • Successfully negotiates a £6 deal for a free sample of cheese in his local Tesco

Finish your drink if Ed:

  • Signs a centre back (don’t worry)

Walk to your local off license, purchase the largest bottle of absinthe they stock, and down it if Ed:

  • Sticks with LVG in favour of one of the greatest managers in the modern era

Have an idea for a rule? Leave it in the comment box below.

Follow Harry on Twitter here.

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